Friday, June 29, 2007

"Helpline" Was Misleading


There's two ways of looking at it.

Either I have it in for the services industry, or they have it in for me.

And, after today, I'm pretty sure it's the latter.

These things can get pretty long, and you're a busy person (why else are you on Bebo?), so I'll cut to the chase and give you a summary:

I had a problem. I rang for help. They made my mind implode with jaw-dropping amounts of stupidity. General hilarity ensued.

The end? If only.

I got a Xbox 360 a while back. Yeah, I know, it's lovely, and I really should be rolling around in the piles of cash I obviously have rather than writing this blog.

There was a small problem though...

It kind of goes on fire when you try and turn it on.

This presented a slight hindrance.

So, after a little while of balancing fun against risk of an arson conviction, I decided to get it sorted out.

Enter Microsoft Customer Support.

Exit my sanity.

Operator: Hello, Microsoft Quality Support Service. So that I may fully assist your claim of problem in its journey to resolution, can you specify your name please?

I should have realised at this point there would be a problem.

Me: Sorry?
Operator: Your name, please.
Me: Oh, right. David Perry.
Operator: So your name is correct, may you spell it please?
Me: Sure, it's D A V I D. P E R R Y
Operator: ...Ok. Daeod Paooi.

I definately should have realised there was a problem, at this point. Should have just hung up the phone and ran away. Far, far away to a country free from nonsensical helplines.

Me: No... David Perry.
Operator: Spell it please?
Me: Alright... D A V I D. P E R R Y.
Operator: O as in Orange?
Me: Sorry?
Operator: Paooi- O as in Oranage?
Me: No... R.
Operator: O?
Me: No, R, as in "ridiculous".

I'm not sure why this was happening, this person was English. It went on for a while, until we began to make progress.

Operator So... Daeod Purry?
Me: Close enough.

Meh. Cue technical jargon.

Operator: So, how may I be of help to you, Daeod?
Me: Well, I have a Xbox 360. Whenever I try to start it up, it begins to overheat, and it shuts itself down. One red light starts to flash, and an error message comes up on the screen... it says its "error 68".
Operator: So... When you are playing your Xbox, three red lights start to flash instead of the usual green?
Me: No... Whenever I try to start it up, before I ever get to play it, it shuts itself down, one red light starts flashing, and an error message comes up on the screen- it says "error 68".
Operator: Alright, now before I can address your problem, I need to register you on the database.

Chinese water torture. That's what its got to be. They're trying to erode my will to get my Xbox replaced. Anyway, I spent about fifteen minutes giving my email address, mobile number, the console serial number, my address ("Airpark" sounds like "Alabaster", you'll be pleased to hear.), and other highly relevant information...

Operator: What is your desired brand of media?
Me: Sorry?
Operator: Which form of media do you peruse most often?
Me: TV, maybe?
Operator: And your prefered brand of clothing?
Me: You're losing me here.
Operator: What clothes do you have?
Me: Oh, I'm sorry, my Xbox set fire to all my clothes.

Sarcasm gets you places.

Operator: Alright so... Now, to address your problem.
Me: Oh, good. Yeah... I checked your website, it says the error is caused by a faulty harddrive. I'm supposed to ring you for a replacement and repair of the console?
Operator: Do you have your console with you?
Me: No... What's the problem?
Operator: I need you to check the serial number you gave me against that on the machine.
Me: That is the number. Trust me.
Operator: The computer will not let me enter it. I'm afraid you will have to ring back when you are with the console.
Me: But I've told you what the problem is... doesn't that help at all?
Operator: The series of tests required to determine the problem require you to have your console in front of you.
Me: But I told you what the problem was. The console tells you what the problem is. The website told me what the problem was.
Operator: I'm sorry, you'll have to ring back.

Sigh.

Well, I suppose that gives me some hope at least.

Except replace "hope" with "mind-numbing retardation".

Me: Alright. What time are you open until tomorrow?
Operator: 10 a.m. And thank you for calling Microsoft Quality Support Service, Daeod.

It was at this point that I may have concussed myself with the phone receiver.

Seriously. Chinese water torture. Highly sophisticated Chinese water torture involving telephones, and no water, but more brain damage.

Can't wait till I ring back tomorrow.

No comments: